He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always
caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them.
One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be
even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He
decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked
beans. A short time later they were married.
Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He
was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the
rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his
wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the
cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several
miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before
reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of
baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He
pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer
to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt
reasonably safe.
Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside
and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his
front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She
excitedly exclaimed, “Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise
dinner for you.� She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the
head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the
phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went
to answer the phone.
When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to
one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a
rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and
began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he
felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded
like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until
his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt
another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let
go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the
table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he
continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each
time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of
the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture
of innocence when his wife returned to the room.
Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked. After
assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the
dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
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