Ever since that Newsweek story years ago, where it was declared that 42.4 percent have never married, the discussion never ends.
They say we’re alone because we climb the corporate ladder faster than black men, we’re better educated and creating a gap.
When that story broke, I was in my early 20s. My girlfriends and I freaked out and fed into a season of paranoia, bad decisions and premature anxiety about marriage and children.
Most of us were single, educated and starting promising careers. Four years ago, the movie inspired by that article, “Something New,” came out. We rushed to cheer Sanaa Lathan on as she explored loving a man outside of her race. The DVD is on my shelf.
But now, at 30, I’ve seen too many statistics, debates and articles on the plight of the single black woman.
Some say we’re too picky. Others say we need to look at other men. Most point to the lack of good black men. I’ve seen stories questioning why we can’t find a man and if marriage is no longer the “in” thing for blacks.
It’s insulting.
And then there was last week’s “Nightline Face-Off” — “Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?” — featuring a panel of men and women unsuccessfully reaching a resolution.
This is not a new conversation. The numbers haven’t changed. Just stop it already.
I’m done believing the hype. Most of those friends I had when the study came out are married now. And what about my black girlfriends in interracial relationships? Don’t they count as black women in love? They should.
We are not sad, pathetic, desperate women. Yet these stories paint us that way.
Stop talking down to me and the women I know. We don’t need to be fixed.
Did it ever occur to anyone that these unmarried women are happy? Some enjoy the single life. What about those of us who haven’t walked down the aisle yet but are in healthy relationships? There are a lot of factors being overlooked.
Are there hardships when you’re a career woman trying to navigate the dating world? Yes. It’s true for all educated women. We’re busy, trying to accomplish goals, and sometimes we forget the little things in life. I know I put my career first in my early 20s.
Sure, it’s a little more complicated for a woman of color — there are almost 2 million more black women than black men. But let’s not act as if there are no good black men. There are good black men just as there are good men of all races. There is nothing wrong with checking out the options.
Yet I feel the need to stand up for black men. The women are unfairly tinted as go-getters with impossibly high standards. But the men get labeled as underachievers, dogs, absent. The conversations end up altogether divisive.
I have more than a few single, educated black male friends who say it’s hard to meet the right woman. They want to be married, too. They want to raise children. I have a good black man like that in my life. Yes, they exist.
Maybe they are hard to find. But isn’t the discovery of any true love a complicated treasure hunt?
Jeneé Osterheldt’s
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;)
........yu already no that 
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