1. We see the other person as having security in themselves.
I believe subconsciously security is the first thing we look to see if a person has during our first impressions of them, whoever they may be. We immediately judge people on their appearance, confidence, stance, comfort in their own shoes, tone of voice and their eagerness to impress or be liked. All of which are signs to us whether we will see the person as having security in themselves or not. To form as strong a bond as possible and not just one based on convenience, i believe it to be essential to see the other person as secure. The last thing people want or feel they could truly love is a desperate, needy person who is too insecure to let them have any time alone. So I believe in immediately analyzing how much another person NEEDS to have a partner, (most likely to increase their security in themselves) as oppose to just wanting a partner we increase the chances of the relationship going further.
2. We become fond of the person and build affection
So once you believe them to be secure we then also find we like interacting and engaging with the other person also. Thoughts of the other person while they're away are almost completely positive and we feel the need to show the other person how great we feel about them. (SIDE NOTE - Don't forget at this stage and all other stages of the relationship you need to still show them that you are secure! Easy on the affection
3. We find an interest in the person and build care
The affection we have built for the other person, then causes us to worry if they have a problem. We want to be there for them and want to know we have done our best to make them happy. We check to see how they are regularly in an effort to make sure they are okay and their life is running smoothly (and also ease the longing we have for them caused by the affection). Not the most exciting stage but care can be seen as the cement in the stages. During the first two stages, if not enough affection and/or belief in their security has been built that we have taken a further interest in them and now have care for the other person, we may begin to tell ourselves such things as "It's not that I don't like them, but there's just no spark". We begin constantly asking ourselves questions such as - Is this the real thing? Can I do better? Do I deserve more? Am I better than them? .. It's at this point where the other persons insecurities can begin to show usually simultaneously with our doubts. If your doubts are not eased or the persons insecurities don't fade it is almost certain that as soon as another person comes into your life who you also see as secure and are fond of that the relationship with your current partner will dissolve further until it is taken over completely by your new one.
4. Emotional bond
The prize at the end of the race, you and your partner have kept your security, fondness/affection, interest/care in one another and have formed a mutual emotional bond. How long your emotional bond will be able to last in the face of adversity, contempt from familiarity, boredom and other problems life will undoubtedly throw at the relationship will depend on how strong each of the factors in the stages are.
LAST POINT
Love is not based on insecurity (butterflies, fear of losing your partner, vulnerability), although all these things feel like love, in my opinion real love is in fact based on the opposite. Affection and care with security as the foundation at all times. I don't believe you should ever feel you NEED someone to make you happy or worse complete you, no matter how romantic, exciting and idealistic it feels, as this will no doubt be counter-productive in the long run. Instead do the opposite - be secure enough in yourself that you only WANT the person as you feel you have an emotional bond that gives you pleasure and comfort (AGAIN NOT SECURITY!!!!!!! lol) from spending time together .. And if worse comes to worse and you do split, remember the four stages and get back in the game. Nobody is in fact as perfect as we make them out to be when we are in love with them (especially if based on insecurity) and remaining secure in yourself throughout the relationship will make the break up a billion times less painful should it come to that.
Whats your opinion? Agree or disagree?
Do you have your own stages belief ?? you can go on and add them up !| Posted: at | |
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