friend admits they are "into" the other but
the feeling isn't mutual, the relationship can
indeed be in jeopardy. Friendships often
dissolve under these circumstances, but not
always, says Heidi Reeder, associate
professor of communication at Boise State
University.
Reeder's research
team wanted to
understand what
differentiates the
friendships that
dissolve from the
friendships that make
it after one friend tells
the other they are
romantically
interested. They asked
both lovers and
lovees about a time a
friendship either
lasted or dissolved
after full disclosure.
They then compared
the factors that were
present in friends
who made it to the
factors that were
present for friends who signed off.
Statistically, the researchers said there were
clear differences.
In friendships that lasted:
• The friends actively pursued the
friendship. This might seem self-evident,
but some people's inclination is to shut
down. The researchers said you have to
consciously do things that keep the
friendship going, especially when it's
vulnerable. Verbally affirm the importance
of the friendship and continue doing the
same behaviors and activities you did
before.
• The friends honestly wanted to remain
friends. Whether the individual truly wants
to keep the friendship, even if it could not
be romantic, is a question only each person
can answer. If the friendship isn't that
meaningful, it probably won't survive this
rock in the road.
• The friends accepted that the feelings
were not mutual. A great attitude to have,
whether you are the lover or the lovee, is
the feelings aren't the same and move on.
• The friends saw the friendship as "solid"
before the disclosure. A good question to
ask before making this kind of disclosure:
"Is this a strong friendship?" Concrete and
longer-lasting friendships are more likely to
weather the storm, while new friendships
may be more vulnerable.
• The friends saw the friendship as "open"
before the disclosure. If the friends already
talked honestly about things such as
insecurities, other relationships, goals and
dreams, chances are the friendship will fare
better than people without these previous
intimate conversations.
In friendships that dissolved:
• The friends became awkward,
embarrassed, or uncomfortable. Avoid the
awkward silence, lack of eye contact and
endless apologies.
• The lover continued to hope that the
other would ultimately reciprocate. The
researchers said avoid "what's wrong with
me, that you don't love me?"
• The lovee admitted past romantic feelings
for the friend or suggested such feelings
might develop in the future. It is not the
time to be sweet, at least not in this way.
This will only lead them on.
"It is absolutely okay to be in these types of
situations," Reeder said. "Try not to blame
yourself, and try not to blame the other
person. You can keep the friendship if you
remember certain tips and keep calm."
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